Mayor McKook

Dear Anthony,
Why no comments you wuss?

Signed,
Gaz.

Dear Mayor of Kookville,
Do me a favor, you focus on reigning supreme over Kook City. I'll focus on giving advice.

P.S. Comment as you see fit...kook!

Attitude Adjuster

I got a new tat. Kum Bah Ya Bitches.

have it your way kook.

Dear Anthony,
Why do McDonalds breakfast burritos cost so much? They are like almost $2 each, but they are small. the Sausage McMuffin with Egg is only $1.25 and are like twice the size of the burrito.

Signed Argillaceous Essence.

Dear lithified mud kook,
Your lame valley question is the essence of mud butt. Eat what ever piece of shit you want as long as it isn't in my central coast McDonalds. If you show up to my McDonalds blasting your shitty music with stickers on your car you will be banned from all McDonalds south of P.C.

P.S. In the last few years sensing a change in public sentiment regarding a healthy diet (and fad ones e.g. Atkins) McDonalds and other "fast food" chains have attempted to provide some "healthy" choices. Unfortunately, McDonalds has decided to be opportunistic and charge a premium for these alternatives. Hope this helps explain!

Central Coast Haiku

Central coast locs rise,
The time is now localize
Ticket punched no surprise.

-tony

Dear Anthony,

I'm a rich, recently retired southern Californian who has a summer home in Bandon. How come ever time I fly up there in my plane the surf at Bastendorf sucks? You're a hardcore Cooze Bay Loc, could you do the right thing and tell me when the surf is good so I don't waste my time coming up there? A few of my neighbors from the 'Bu are looking to purchase some summer mansions as well, but they think Bandon is a few ticks down from their standards. Any insider information on a more upscale central coast location?

Thanks in Advance, and guess what?, we have the same name...Cool.

Tone

Dear Tone deaf Kook,
RESPECT THOSE WHO MUST LIVE HERE. IT ISNT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS. Jesus H Kook! Are you really as stupid as you seem? I am straight OR central coast yo! Are you kidding? I could have retired to alot of places, I chose a place that is hard! Keep your stupid kook comments to yourself k?

P.S. If Bandon doesn't suit your fancy check a little further south. There's a hoppin' music scene and some boss skating. I'm a loc there to. Sometimes I get together with the homies down there to skate and jam some old Social D, ya know Social Distortion for the uninformed (cause I'm old school...*wink*).

D.I.Y.K. (Do it yourself Kook)

Dear Anthony,
Do you have a secret recepie for making your own surf wax?
If so would you care to share it?

Signed,
Pikey

Dear Pikey,
I smell valley kook. Hey kook I have an idea, why don't you come to the central coast and so we can smoke your stupid kook-azz. Kook! Make your own wax? Why bother, valley kooks just give wax to us locs!

P.S. Here are a couple of great recipes for making your own wax, and if you put a little food coloring in it can really add a nice splash of color to that white board that keeps things under the radar *wink*.

Basic Surf Wax
Here are the ingredients:

Paraffin Wax
Microcrystalline Wax
Petroleum Jelly
Adhesive (Vistenex)
Small amounts of Scent and dye if you want a nice look / smell
Take all the ingredients and melt them down together at around 100F in the following proportions.

60-70% Paraffin
15-20% Microcrystalline
5-10% Petroleum Jelly
5-10% Adhesive
(Dye and Scent)

The reason that there is a range of percentages above is so that you can vary the mixtures to suit the water temperature in your region and the stickiness of the wax.

To adjust for temperature:
Warmer Water Temperature: Increase the amount of wax and decrease the amount of petroleum.
Colder Water Temperature: Increase the amount of petroleum and decrease the amount of wax.
The Microcrystalline wax and Vistenex give it the "stickiness".

Organic Surf Wax
Here are the ingredients:
Beeswax
Coconut Oil
Tree Resin

The mixture is 3 parts Beeswax, 1 part coconut oil and 1 part tree resin. Make in the same way adding the beeswax coconut oil and tree resin together and stirring well.
First melt the wax, then warm the oil and stir into the wax. Stir well, stir some more and then stir(get the idea!). Pour into Paper cups and let it set.
There is a temptation to use other vegetable oils. Don't bother. Coconut is the one.

P.S.S. If you use the organic formula it's also a great sun tan lotion!!! Just look at the results that I have had.

KFE (Kook 4 ever)

Dear Anthony,
I am interested in leaving the valley and surfing some breaks down by you, but i am concerned about localism. I got my car waxed at the point and they peed in my sunroof. I know I know, you are going to say something like" only valley kooks have sunroofs", but they really are nice when your rollin' down the highway signing along to Justin Timberlake. You should try one, I think you would really enjoy the wind whipping through your salt water soaked hair. Anyway, back to my question. Can I pay you to give me some cred? You know like in the movie "can't buy me love". You just act like my bro, and let me hang with you until I get enough cred to surf there alone. Plus you never know, maybe it will work out just like the movie....I doubt we will ride together on a lawnmower, but we could be BFF's!!!!!!!

signed,
With my rag-top down so my hair can blow

Dear fag-top kook,
You're kidding right? Central coast locs do not roll Timberlake style. We are hard as tempered steel kook! We play djembe, we go to rainbow gatherings! You are banned for just asking such a kook question!

P.S. Thanks for asking but I have a group of BFFs! They are a bunch of up and coming Tony's I am mentoring to be just like me! Here's a pic of us hangin' out.

A small side gig

Dear Anthony,

Can you believe how crazy those fires are down in southern cali? I was just visiting a friend in San Diego and was really sorry for every one's loss. While I was there I saw this rad statute they put up and couldn't help but notice the resemblance. Any chance you were the inspiration? Wanna get a sesh sometime?

-starstruck

Dear kookstruck,

Jesus H. Christ you are suck a f*ckin kook! You can have a whole big plate of eat sh*t for all I care. Where are you from the valley? You must be to be such a huge kook. Was that your kook-terra I smashed? Did it burn? I hope it did, just like I hope those kooks homes in southern Cali burn. Stay out of the water kook!

P.S. Funny you saw the resemblance in the statute! Believe it or not it was my sweet style that acted as an inspiration. I claim southern Cali too!

Need some advice

Dear Anthony,
I hear that late fall is a particularly nice time to walk the central coast beaches and look at tide pools. Do you know any nice places?

-PDX starfish lover

Dear PDX starfishkook,
F*ck you kook! If I ever see you or your kook friends on my beaches I will represent with a beating on your azz. You see my tribal tats? You see my mullet? You think I don't represent? You better hope I don't see you stealing views of local's tide pools.

P.S. You might want to look around Yaquina Head Lighthouse, this time of year it can be breathtaking.
-Tony